License to Breed

Yeah. We should be required to get one. And in order to keep your license current, you should have to be retested once a year - some of us every 6 months.

CNN has posted yet another news article that makes me ill:

Motorists in Indianapolis found themselves swerving not to hit a BAREFOOT 3 year old trotting down a busy highway in 50 degree weather wearing only a T-shirt and a diaper!! Some motorists pulled over and waited with the boy until police arrived. They found the boys apartment about 200 yards away and upon entering they found a 2 year old girl eating spaghetti off the floor and the mother SLEEPING. When police woke her, her response was simply, "Oh - he got out again?"

HOLY SHIT. These people make me sick.

SENSITIVE

I'm often accused of being way too sensitive. Last night an old friend from high school invited me over for a small gathering where a few others from our high school were going to be there too. I was very excited as I had not seen these people since high school graduation (13.5 yrs. ago). It was immediately apparent upon walking in that I was way more excited to see them than vice-versa. I tried my hardest to engage them in some small talk (babies - 2 are pregnant, one had a 4 month old, jobs, where we live, our careers, etc...) but to no avail. I thought it was just me being overly sensitive as I often am but once my husband and I got into the car to leave and I told him how I felt he immediately said they were very cliquey and they were likely just jealous of me. He often says this but HONESTLY this is always the last thing I think of . Why oh why would someone be jealous of me?? Seriously. I mean, I'm happy and I love my life but come on. This is my 2nd marriage (I married a guy from our high school) and everyone knew about us and I'm sure our divorce. It was an amicable one and we still talk from time to time via email but still. Who would be jealous of that?

I find that often when I'm really excited to see people I have not seen in a long time - they don't share my enthusiasm. How pitiful is that? Am I a loser? I don't think so. I wasn't ms. popularity in high school but I wasn't mean either. I was a cheerleader, did well in school and was probably known as more of a goody-two-shoes (the girls last night made this clear). I was a little naive and frankly I'm proud of that. My husband, in his attempt to make me feel better, said, "f!@# those bitches, they wish they had your life". I know it sounds harsh and trust me, he does not normally speak like this. He just didn't like the fact that they upset me. Kinda cute if you ask me.

Today I'm taking down all of our Christmas decorations. My husband took down all of our outside lights yesterday. He also ordered us a 56" DLP television for his hard work ;). Should be here next week.

Happy New Year y'all. Be safe. Here's to a healthy, happy, prosperous (and perhaps less sensitive???) 2007.

The Ring

Had my annual exam today. I am now going to an OB/GYN (the one I used during pregnancy and birth) whereas before I was just going to my general practitioner and the nurse or P.A. would do the exam. Never had any problems or irregular results but I must say I LOVE my OB/GYN doc. She never makes me feel rushed and sits down and chats with me for a few minutes. She is really quick too. The exam itself never bothers me, but I can imagine for those who find it terrible, you want to be quick. I have decided to try NuvaRing as a form of birth control until we (read ME) are ready to have another. I have heard good things about it. I responded well to birth control pills and this is a lower dose plus you only have to "deal" with it once a month instead of daily like the pill. Nice. My husband is pretty stoked that condoms are soon to be a distant memory. Is that TMI?

We had a great time with our friends at dinner last night. Speaking of rings - they got engaged at Sunset Cliffs just before they came over. VERY exciting. I love the glow of newly engaged couples. They are awesome and we are really happy for them.

Nothing much

I don't really have a subject in mind but felt like blogging anyway. Let's see what I can come up with....

I finished "The Power of One" and loved it. Slow start but a real page turner after you are about 1/3 of the way in. Now I'm reading "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris. Funny but not as good as I expected. I'll be done with that by the end of the week. Next in line is "The Feminine Mystique" I'm a little afraid to begin this one. I really don't consider myself a feminist and I heard that this book started quite the feminist buzz back in the day. More on that later.

My daughter is now full-on walking. She took her first steps about 2 weeks ago but just yesterday began walking all over the kitchen and living room without being coaxed to do so. A bit clumsy which scares the shit out of me since our kitchen has travertine floors. She is working on tooth #s 11 and 12 (lower molars) and has her first dentist apt. next week! She is suddenly picking up more signs which is fun. She even does the "poop" sign made popular by "Meet the Fockers"!!!!

On the subject of baby #2 I am very schizophrenic. One day I'll think 'I can do this' and the next day I think 'there is no f'in way'. I'm taking this to mean that I am just not ready but I don't want to wait too long. I'm kinda tired of people saying "You're young, people have babies at 40 or older all the time". Well good for them - but I don't want to have babies when I'm older. I love big families and wish I had it in me to have 5 or 6 kids. How fun would that be when they are grown and have their own kids? I love the idea of that - now if I could just get my head around having and raising 4 or 5 more, I could have it all!

We have dinner plans every night from here on out until January 2. Tomorrow night we are hosting my old co-workers for a potluck. This generally turns into some heated (but great) political debates. I am a liberal republican and my husband is a conservative republican. Our guests are mostly bleeding heart liberal democrats so you can imagine what it's like. I don't contribute much - I prefer to sit back and be entertained. At least we'll have lots of good food!!

Okay - last thing: New Year's Resolutions!!
1) I have already started this one - I am only having ONE soda a week and it has to be at a restaurant since I don't keep it at home. If we don't go out then I don't have one. For some reason I love soda. It's evil I tell you. EVIL. I crave that burn in my throat with each gulp. I can feel it now. I would like to give it up all together but I want to be realistic and set myself up not to fail.

2) Yoga 2-3 times a week. I have the DVD so I can do it between my daughters naps. This is going to be tough.

3) I'm going to work on how I speak to my husband. I notice sometimes it's with a short tone and I don't like it. I have already begun this one as well and I think it makes a huge difference. Marriage is tough - but you get out what you put in and the rewards are infinite. Scientists say that married couples live longer, healthier lives. Who wouldn't want that?

That's all for now - but I'll think of more. I know resolutions are kind of silly but I'm looking forward to keeping mine. I like having goals.

Africa

I've always wanted to go. For awhile I wanted to climb Kilimanjaro but I know my body wouldn't handle the altitude since I get sick for 3 days after arriving in Denver. But a safari - oooh that sounds so romantic and beautiful. A couple I knew did that for their honeymoon. How cool is that? My husband feels it is too dangerous and perhaps he is right but I still want to go.

I am just about done reading "The Power of One" and I thought this paragraph in it was beautifully written:
"The music of Africa is too wild, too free, too accustomed to death for romance. Africa is too crude a stage for the small scratching of the violin, too majestic for the piano. Africa is only right for drums. The drum carries its rhythm but does not steal its music. Timpani is the background, the music of Africa is in the voices of the people. They are its instruments, more subtle, more beautiful, infinitely more noble than the scratching, thumping, banging, and blowing of brass and wind and vellum, strings and keyboard."

One day I will go there.

So true

I just read somewhere that those who are generally early for things tend to be anxious, those who are on time are compulsive and those who are late are controlling.

I am most often early, and rarely late. In fact, being late for anything makes me incredibly anxious. My husband is generally late and it is no news to him that is he is controlling. When it comes to me though, he does try to be on time at least. I have explained to him that when you are late for something continually (I know it happens now and then) it shows that you are selfish and don't value other people's time. It's almost like you are saying to the other person (or people) that you don't have a life like I do so you can wait.

Baby #2

Do you know what I am eating for dinner? Moose Munch. Heard of it? I'm addicted. It's totally disgusting that I am eating this for dinner!! It's basically chocolate covered caramel corn with some toffee and almonds in it. Yeah......I'm gonna be a nutritionist, uh-huh.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about baby #2 lately. A LOT. I am most likely going to have another but I am pretty darn terrified of the work it will involve. Last night we went to my husband's holiday party at work and, for most of the night, I was in the company of 2 other women with babies around my daughters age and they were BOTH pregnant with baby #2. They seemed very calm about the whole thing and even excited. Along came the wife of the CFO, who has 2 children already, and was talking about how hard two can be and that she is glad her kids are in school and she is done. She then corners me and tells me, "Oh you gotta have another!!" I'm thinking, lady, you just went on a 5 minute rant about how hard it is in front of 2 pregnant women and now you want to tell me how much fun it will be???!!!!"

The past few weeks have been difficult for me. The good news is the past 2 days have been SO MUCH better. Why? I decided to change my attitude. Why? I had a really GREAT talk with one of my best friends (thanks, J!!). She had some really insightful things to say and now I am trying not to take my time with my daughter for granted. I am grateful and feel blessed to be able to share this time with her and raise her.

It's 9p.m. and my husband is just now leaving work. Mind you he works 106 miles away. I'm annoyed. I am feeling a little taken for granted (which is probably why I am eating Moose Munch for dinner) and resentful. I have done all of the Christmas shopping so far (as usual) which is fine but when I asked if we were doing anything for each other, he said "what for?". Nice. Thanks babe - 'cuz I know you have already done SO much shopping, you must be sick of it, huh? Grrrrrrrr.

Don't get me wrong, he is a great man. As soon as I bring this up (or he reads this) he'll realize he's gotten a bit carried away with work and remember little ol' me. If I keep eating this Moose Munch though, it's going to be big ol' me. I'm putting it away and going to bed.

Things.....

My husband (and a few others in my life) have told me that I often define myself by things that I don't like. That is not something to be proud of so I thought I would type some things I do like in no particular order: cooking, eating, collecting antique maps, world travel, picking up my daughter from her crib while she is still half asleep and rocking her while she slowly wakes up, Mexican hot chocolate, getting into a car that has been sitting in the sun for a few hours, tropical climates, back rubs, a good honest hug, McDonald's french fries (I know!), pasta in general, wading in a warm ocean, early mornings, sunrises, The Amazing Race, Grey's Anatomy, So You Think You Can Dance, Johnny Depp, Ellen DeGeneres, Penelope Cruz, Anderson Cooper, Reese Witherspoon, family reunions, dancing, yoga, music, going to the movies, hiking, mountain biking, broccoli, road trips, the smell of the airport, weddings, cruises, zip-lining, laughing, Christina Aguilera, Lenny Kravitz, avocados, clementines, strawberries dipped in milk chocolate, Tokyo, Guam, Palau, a good buzz over a great meal, sharing a joint (been so long!), watching a rain or snow storm while sitting in front of a fire, honesty, a sense of humor, fitness, nutrition, the internet, photography, nesting, organization, birth, the beach, pregnancy, and getting my teeth cleaned.

I'm going to stop there but I could go on and on. See? I like lots of things!!

It's a miracle!

My daughter drank milk from a sippy cup!! Granted, it was only about 2-3oz, but that is reason to celebrate! Hallelujah!

Sorrow......

I am really feeling for the Kim family. This family of four set out on a road trip from the Bay Area to Oregon for Thanksgiving. When James Kim didn't show up for work on Monday, authorities began searching for the family. Police found the mother and her two daughters safe in the car. The mom had breast fed the girls to keep them hydrated and fed. After 9 days in the car, James Kim (the father) set out on foot wearing only the clothes on his back to search for help. They had taken a wrong turn on got stranded in a blizzard on a road that rarely gets plowed.

Yesterday the body of James Kim was found in a creek about a half mile from the car. I can't imagine what that news must have felt like to his wife and children who are still recovering. I rarely watch the news on TV, but yesterday I happened to catch it. My eyes welled up with tears upon hearing the news that James Kim was found dead. My thoughts and prayers go out to his wife, their 2 daughters and their families. This holiday season will be difficult for them.

My F@#$%* Eyes

For the past year I have been seeing a retinal specialist. I was referred to him because 2 months after I had my daughter I was diagnosed with a macular hemorrhage caused by myopic macular degeneration. When I learned of my diagnosis I began to cry in his office. He does not have the most gentle bedside manner. I cried mostly because I was told I would have to stop breastfeeding for 2 weeks to a month after I received a drug injection in my eye. The drug is called Avastin and is not yet FDA approved for injection into the eye. Avastin is an anti-cancer drug that had shown great promise in clearing up macular hemorrhages. I was pretty devastated for about a week but got the injection (yes, the needle does go directly into the eyeball). I stopped breastfeeding for 3 weeks, the drug worked like a charm, and thank God I was able to resume breastfeeding with no problems!

Today at my eye appointment, he said I should consider Lasik surgery to correct my vision. I should say re-correct as I have had Lasik 2 other times. My vision before Lasik was -9 in one eye and -10 in the other. In other words.......BAD!!! Six months later, my eyes regressed slightly and I was able to get it done again at no charge. That was in November of 2000. My vision now is about 20/80 and I think I am going to go for round 3. This is frustrating. I hope the third time is a charm.

I am told that I have a 50/50 chance of having another macular hemorrhage. I am his youngest patient (31) - next in line is a man who is 54. That's nice. When I go in for appointments I get strange looks and the only magazines in his office are AARP and Senior Living - I'm not kidding. I am not afraid of all these procedures but I am afraid that one day I will go blind and not be able to see my daughter. Please pray for my eyes!

Yoga

I did it! I went to my first Ashtanga yoga class. Needless to say I am feeling pretty spent. It was very different from Bikram in that the room was not heated, there are no mirrors and the flow is constant. I turned out to be the only one wearing shorts which was NOT a good idea as the woman in front of me likely got to see more of me than she wanted! I'll know better next time. I really like the fact that they are not as militant as Bikram and because the room is not heated, you can do your practice at home once you have memorized the flow.

Now to the one thing I didn't like. Lots of chanting. Too much chanting in my opinion. I come to get an ass-kicking workout and have never been a fan of the chanting and the "om, shanti" stuff. They do not expect you to do this (which is great since if it were Bikram you would likely get kicked out) and I just sat there and pretended to meditate. I hear each teacher is different though and I happened to get the one who enjoys the 20 minutes of chanting and music playing at the end of class.

I was feeling pretty spent and queasy after class and to top it off I get to my car and find that someone has dented the side!! No note, no anything. How lovely. Was that my karma for not chanting?

Oh and my daughter has the flu :( I'm trying to look on the bright side and that is that she allows us to hold her close and rock her. At her age you gotta take what you can get.

ISFJ - That's me!!

This is my Meyers-Briggs personality description - husband says it fits me quite well:

The primary desire of the Protector Guardian is to be of service to others, but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life (the Provider's concern), as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security. There is a large proportion of Protectors in the population, perhaps as much as ten percent. And a good thing, because they are steadfast in their protecting, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can insure the safekeeping of those in their family, their circle of friends, or their place of business.

Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They go about their task of care taking modestly, unassumingly, and because of this their efforts are not sometimes fully appreciated. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Providers, except with close friends and relatives. With these they can chat tirelessly about the ups and downs in their lives, moving (like all the Guardians) from topic to topic as they talk over their everyday concerns. However, their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth these Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their quietness ought really to be seen as an expression, not of coldness, but of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. Like all the Guardians, Protectors have a highly developed puritan work ethic, which tells them that work is good, and that play must be earned-if indulged in at all. The least hedonic of all types, Protectors are willing to work long, long hours doing all the thankless jobs the other types seem content to ignore. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for Protectors. When they undertake a task, they will complete it if at all humanly possible; and they know the value of material resources and abhor the squandering or misuse of these resources. Protectors are quite content to work alone; indeed, they may experience some discomfort when placed in positions of authority, and may try to do everything themselves rather than insist that others do their jobs.

With their extraordinary commitment to security, and with their unusual talent for executing routines, Protectors do well in many careers that have to do with conservation: curators, private secretaries, librarians, middle-managers, police officers, and especially general medical practitioners. To be sure, the hospital is a natural haven for them; it is home to the family doctor, preserver of life and limb, and to the registered nurse, or licensed practical nurse, truly the angels of mercy. The insurance industry is also a good fit for Protectors. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are important actions to Protectors, who as insurance agents want to see their clients in good hands, sheltered and protected.

President George HW Bush and Mother Teresa are examples of Protector Guardian style.

LOSER!

Oh man......I am feeling very guilty for not going to yoga. My husband and I met a friend for dinner instead! Dinner was great and my daughter was so good all through dinner. She is exhausted!

I have made a pact with myself to go FOR SURE on Saturday (no class tomorrow) and I will work extra hard.

And yes, I am still obsessing over strollers. This is crazy. I'm such a mom. It is so hard to find the perfect one. I was looking at the Bumbleride Flyer today. My husband just laughs at me. 2 years ago, I never thought I would be doing this much research on a f@#$%n stroller. I need help!

Bitch Session

I need to whine....is that okay? Of course it is! It's my blog dammit!

Looks like my plan of starting yoga tonight is not going to happen. My daughter has a cold :(
She didn't really nap today. I am happy to say that she made it a year and 3 weeks without ever getting sick. HOWEVER.......I must say I'm a little annoyed that she is sick on a day when I wanted to go to yoga for the first time. I'm selfish I guess.

I hate fall!!! This weather is driving me crazy. It's clear and sunny out but COLD, DRY and WINDY. Three things that irritate me. I swear I'm half lizard. My skin is dry as it is, I don't need 0% humidity and wind to make it worse. My whole body feels chapped. How could people like this season? Ew.

I love Christmas, but not the shopping. I REALLY hate to shop. The female shopping gene must have mutated in me. Bitch, bitch, bitch..........I sound like a real pleasant person today don't I?

Turkey, CNN, Strollers

I'm working on my 5th turkey sandwich since Thanksgiving.

I just scanned CNN's headlines and found "Mom microwaves 3 week old baby". I'm not going to read the article because that headline is enough. Some people really piss me off. Not that this is an excuse - but I hope she is certifiably insane because if she is not then I want to microwave her.

My latest obsession is which stroller to purchase. I have the BOB Revolution that I use daily on walks with my daughter, the Maclaren Volo which is great through airports and quick trips, and finally I'm embarrassed to say that we have the Bugaboo Gecko. I hate it now. I'm trying to sell it. I feel like such a yuppie idiot when I use it and try not to make eye contact with people! I get a lot of compliments on it, but let me just say.....no stroller is worth $680 (and that my friends, is the least of expensive of the 3 models)!! Ridiculous. I don't know what I was thinking. I am looking at the Pliko P3 by Peg Perego. I hear good things about it and I think I may test it out at the store.

Books, etc.

I'm reading The Power of One right now. I am into it now, but thought it was a slow start. I've recently decided to expand my library to include fiction. In doing so, I have found some great books and some not-so-great. I enjoyed the Dan Brown series, Life of Pi, Secret Life of Bees, & The Alchemist to name a few. Still sitting next to my bed and yet to be read is The Feminine Mystique and Me Talk Pretty One Day (I think this is non-fiction). I recently finished One Hundred Years of Solitude......uuuuuuuuugh. It took me forever. Was it just me or did every third character in the book have the same name? I think I learned that magical mysticism is not my cup of tea in books. I'm looking for some more good books to add to my growing pile next to my bed. Any recommendations?

On to another topic. I'm struggling with the decision to have another child. On the one hand, I don't want my daughter to be an only child and now that husband and I will no longer be "parent rookies" it seems to me that baby #2 won't be so new and awkward in the beginning. On the other hand, I have had a really hard time being a stay-at-home mom. I love raising my daughter but I find it exhausting and feel as though I have lost a part of my identity. I don't feel as free. I always have one eye on her and that is draining. I'm not sure that I can handle two little ones. Husband says, "let's get a nanny" especially since my job is really wanting me to return. Problem is, I can't imagine leaving her with a stranger. I don't have a problem with working moms, in fact, I wish I was able to get a nanny and get out of my own way. But I can't. Balancing being a mom and wife while remembering my identity has proven very difficult for me. How did the stay-at-home mom watching soaps and eating bon-bons ever get started???? I barely have time to get dressed and feed myself and I only have ONE child! Am I just terrible at this? I must be.

I'm staring Bikram Yoga again this week. I have not been since I was 8 weeks pregnant. Pray for me!

Real Age

Husband and I just did the "Real Age" test on the internet. You can do it here. Pretty interesting test. I am 31.4 years old and according to the test my real age is 27.8. That's great I guess. After you get emailed your results, you can check and see why your score is what it is and how to lower it. My husband is 30 and his "real age" is 40! Yikes! Someone needs some exercise and a better diet. He is dreading the day I become a nutritionist (which is not far off) and his fried pork chops - bacon - soda - pizza w/ extra cheese days will be numbered!!!!

Mommyhood is a rough ride

It is! I was talking about this with a friend the other day. She made the comment that after the birth of her child, she felt "cheated" that no one told her how difficult it would be. Not that she wasn't ecstatic about her fresh new baby, but with hormones all out of whack, lack of sleep and sore, bleeding nipples it can all be so overwhelming. We both concluded that we likely would not have listened anyway. I guess that's the beauty of it. As difficult as it is, no one can explain just how much you could possibly love this new life you have created. The intensity is incredible. This coming from a girl who was never into kids in the first place.

I took daughter to the playground today and was suddenly fearful of her growing years. As my daughter was "walking" towards a ball on the playground, a young girl ran over and exclaimed, "That's MY ball. Don't let your baby touch it!!". Yikes. Now I'm no dummy, I know toddlers go through the "mine" phase but it just made me think about all the "stuff" she will go through such as cliques and peer pressure. It seems to only get more difficult for the younger generation. Ugh. Sometimes I think I must be nuts for wanting another but I don't want my daughter to be an only child. I miss being pregnant. I LOVED being pregnant. There is no greater feeling than to know you are growing another human being from your body, inside your body and then nature will allow you to push your baby into the world. Now, I am no hippie type, but giving birth is nothing short of awesome. I gave birth naturally in that I had no pain meds (I took a hypnobirthing class that husband lovingly calls "hippiebirthing") but I did have to have ptocin (after 2.5hrs of pushing they needed to make my contractions stronger) and magnesium chloride (to help lower my blood pressure). I can honestly say I felt no pain. Intense? Oh SHIT, YES! But not pain.
*As a side note, my daughter was 8 days after her due date and since I did NOT want to be induced, I did all the natural stuff our doula suggested: castor oil (yeesh!), sex, accupuncture, sweeping of membranes, and finally an accupuncture massage where my water broke right in the middle of it.

I feel kind of strange typing all this detail. I mean, does anyone read this?

I am ready to start Bikram Yoga again. I know that heat will KICK MY ASS for the first week but man, no other workout has ever made me feel so good. I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight and size but my body is definitely different. Everything is uh.....redistributed.

Until next time, strangers.

PS3 & stuff

So my daytime date with husband was great. Lunch was relaxing and the movie was the perfect combination of gadgets, cheese and violence. I like the new James Bond. He's better than Pierce Brosnan in my opinion. Daughter did great with my mom and even took a 2.5 hr. nap with no protest. I think she is transitioning from 2 naps a day to 1. Everyone tells me this is a great thing but I am going to reserve judgement for now.

So, something is bugging me. I asked my husband why all these people don't just wait until next week to get the new Play Station 3 so they can avoid long lines, rioting and getting shot. He then informs me that Sony purposefully under produces these things. One would think that once they see that people are getting physically injured (or dying) they would f'ing make enough. Maybe it's easy for me to say because I don't give a shit about PS3 or any video game. Okay, enough of that.

Hola!

Why am I samba mama? Well....BD (before daughter) I was a dancer of sorts. International Latin Ballroom to be exact and the samba was my favorite dance. I hope to get back to it very soon. I was also a scientist studying the genetics of alcoholism and psychiatric disorders in different racial populations. Now I am a stay-at-home mom and find myself fumbling over this job daily. I always knew I wanted children but I was never a "baby lover". I didn't hate them or anything, I just didn't have much experience with them and they made me kind of nervous. This is the most difficult job in the world but the most rewarding. Okay enough.

Today is a big day. My husband and I are leaving our daughter for the first time with my mom DURING THE DAY so we can go see the new 007 movie "Casino Royale" and go to lunch. I thought I would be a nervous wreck but I am really looking forward to it. Like REALLY looking forward to it. No high chairs, baby spoons, diaper changes, inspecting tables for possible hazards, singing in the car (okay, I might still do that - but it won't be "the wheels on the bus"). I can relax and eat and look at my husband. How novel. Okay, I am off to the movie. More later.