Lately my mind has been racing.
I recently had an emergency visit to my eye doctor (the retina specialist) because I was seeing light flashes in my right eye - not a good thing when you have MMD. He determined everything was fine BUT added that if I do decide to have another child, I am at a high risk of developing another macular hemorrhage due to slight blood pressure changes that occur during pregnancy. While this would be no big deal in other women, it can cause a blind spot in my eye. Even without another pregnancy I am STILL at risk because high blood pressure runs my family. Yay for genetics. Even with my blood pressure as it is (normal) he says I have a 50/50 chance of having another hemorrhage. Then I add in genetics and it goes up. I'm not sure I want to raise my risk even higher by having another child.
I've told a few people about this and most are very supportive, offering opinions and great insight. There are a few people though, who say things like, "Oh you can't just have one!" or, "Maybe you are being selfish.". Does it somehow make me less of a woman or a mom if I only have one child? I certainly don't look down upon women who have no children OR women who have 10 children. It's such a personal choice. I think for me the toughest part is ME being okay with my decision and not feel as though I have to defend MY choice (whatever it turns out to be).
My husband really wants a second child too. What am I to do? I kind of feel like for me to be the best mom I can be, ONE child is enough. I've never been a baby or kid loving kind of person. I've always felt a bit guilty or embarrassed by that because I somehow feel like it portrays me as a cold person. But it is what it is, part of who I am. I am the mom at the park who gets anxiety when too many kids are there or when I think of my daughter having a bunch of kids over for a party. What the hell do I do with all of them????
I'm going to be 32 years old on Monday. My 30's have proven to be such an introspective, life changing time and I'm only 2 years in!
Oh sheesh. Decisions, decisions. I'm a good person, I swear.
My sometimes awkward dance through life as a mother and wife.
About Me
- Samba Mama
- Just when I think I've got this motherhood thing figured out, reality sets in.
1 comment:
omg... samba_mama - you are a wonderful person! There is nothing wrong if you decide to focus your energies on one child! Being an only child rocks (for the most part) :) I LOVED that it was me, my mom and my dad whatever we did, wherever we went, etc...
I feel you on the 2nd child dilemma... As for me, I ALWAYS thought I only wanted one child. To raise one like i Know how - because I'm an only child... I don't know how to raise siblings... I don't even know how siblings get a long... seriously. how do I do that? And now that we're getting ready for our first one - we started to think - well, maybe we'll want another one someday? its so weird how feelings like that change. But on the flip side again - I'm going to be 33 in January. And probably by the time we settle in a new place (more affordable) where we can afford another child - I would be 35 or 36... doesn't that put me in some sort of a 'higher risk' zone? just the thought of that freaks me out a bit, because like you described yourself at one point - I tend to be the 'stressed' one... haha... why is that? why do we do that to ourselves, eh?
Anyways - this is such an important and personal decision... I want you to know that everyone has an opinion about SOMETHING - and some people are just not good at being cordial about it. screw 'em. its your life, and its your decision. (shoot - you should see some of the reactions I get when I tell people we are naming our daighter 'rio' - its like, the name isn't common enough for them to approve of, yet some people are so very respectful and say positive things) And either way you choose, its going to be made out of love. Your 'sight' is nothing to be messed with...
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