Thoughts

Lately my mind has been racing.

I recently had an emergency visit to my eye doctor (the retina specialist) because I was seeing light flashes in my right eye - not a good thing when you have MMD. He determined everything was fine BUT added that if I do decide to have another child, I am at a high risk of developing another macular hemorrhage due to slight blood pressure changes that occur during pregnancy. While this would be no big deal in other women, it can cause a blind spot in my eye. Even without another pregnancy I am STILL at risk because high blood pressure runs my family. Yay for genetics. Even with my blood pressure as it is (normal) he says I have a 50/50 chance of having another hemorrhage. Then I add in genetics and it goes up. I'm not sure I want to raise my risk even higher by having another child.

I've told a few people about this and most are very supportive, offering opinions and great insight. There are a few people though, who say things like, "Oh you can't just have one!" or, "Maybe you are being selfish.". Does it somehow make me less of a woman or a mom if I only have one child? I certainly don't look down upon women who have no children OR women who have 10 children. It's such a personal choice. I think for me the toughest part is ME being okay with my decision and not feel as though I have to defend MY choice (whatever it turns out to be).

My husband really wants a second child too. What am I to do? I kind of feel like for me to be the best mom I can be, ONE child is enough. I've never been a baby or kid loving kind of person. I've always felt a bit guilty or embarrassed by that because I somehow feel like it portrays me as a cold person. But it is what it is, part of who I am. I am the mom at the park who gets anxiety when too many kids are there or when I think of my daughter having a bunch of kids over for a party. What the hell do I do with all of them????

I'm going to be 32 years old on Monday. My 30's have proven to be such an introspective, life changing time and I'm only 2 years in!
Oh sheesh. Decisions, decisions. I'm a good person, I swear.