Baby #2

Do you know what I am eating for dinner? Moose Munch. Heard of it? I'm addicted. It's totally disgusting that I am eating this for dinner!! It's basically chocolate covered caramel corn with some toffee and almonds in it. Yeah......I'm gonna be a nutritionist, uh-huh.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about baby #2 lately. A LOT. I am most likely going to have another but I am pretty darn terrified of the work it will involve. Last night we went to my husband's holiday party at work and, for most of the night, I was in the company of 2 other women with babies around my daughters age and they were BOTH pregnant with baby #2. They seemed very calm about the whole thing and even excited. Along came the wife of the CFO, who has 2 children already, and was talking about how hard two can be and that she is glad her kids are in school and she is done. She then corners me and tells me, "Oh you gotta have another!!" I'm thinking, lady, you just went on a 5 minute rant about how hard it is in front of 2 pregnant women and now you want to tell me how much fun it will be???!!!!"

The past few weeks have been difficult for me. The good news is the past 2 days have been SO MUCH better. Why? I decided to change my attitude. Why? I had a really GREAT talk with one of my best friends (thanks, J!!). She had some really insightful things to say and now I am trying not to take my time with my daughter for granted. I am grateful and feel blessed to be able to share this time with her and raise her.

It's 9p.m. and my husband is just now leaving work. Mind you he works 106 miles away. I'm annoyed. I am feeling a little taken for granted (which is probably why I am eating Moose Munch for dinner) and resentful. I have done all of the Christmas shopping so far (as usual) which is fine but when I asked if we were doing anything for each other, he said "what for?". Nice. Thanks babe - 'cuz I know you have already done SO much shopping, you must be sick of it, huh? Grrrrrrrr.

Don't get me wrong, he is a great man. As soon as I bring this up (or he reads this) he'll realize he's gotten a bit carried away with work and remember little ol' me. If I keep eating this Moose Munch though, it's going to be big ol' me. I'm putting it away and going to bed.

Things.....

My husband (and a few others in my life) have told me that I often define myself by things that I don't like. That is not something to be proud of so I thought I would type some things I do like in no particular order: cooking, eating, collecting antique maps, world travel, picking up my daughter from her crib while she is still half asleep and rocking her while she slowly wakes up, Mexican hot chocolate, getting into a car that has been sitting in the sun for a few hours, tropical climates, back rubs, a good honest hug, McDonald's french fries (I know!), pasta in general, wading in a warm ocean, early mornings, sunrises, The Amazing Race, Grey's Anatomy, So You Think You Can Dance, Johnny Depp, Ellen DeGeneres, Penelope Cruz, Anderson Cooper, Reese Witherspoon, family reunions, dancing, yoga, music, going to the movies, hiking, mountain biking, broccoli, road trips, the smell of the airport, weddings, cruises, zip-lining, laughing, Christina Aguilera, Lenny Kravitz, avocados, clementines, strawberries dipped in milk chocolate, Tokyo, Guam, Palau, a good buzz over a great meal, sharing a joint (been so long!), watching a rain or snow storm while sitting in front of a fire, honesty, a sense of humor, fitness, nutrition, the internet, photography, nesting, organization, birth, the beach, pregnancy, and getting my teeth cleaned.

I'm going to stop there but I could go on and on. See? I like lots of things!!

It's a miracle!

My daughter drank milk from a sippy cup!! Granted, it was only about 2-3oz, but that is reason to celebrate! Hallelujah!

Sorrow......

I am really feeling for the Kim family. This family of four set out on a road trip from the Bay Area to Oregon for Thanksgiving. When James Kim didn't show up for work on Monday, authorities began searching for the family. Police found the mother and her two daughters safe in the car. The mom had breast fed the girls to keep them hydrated and fed. After 9 days in the car, James Kim (the father) set out on foot wearing only the clothes on his back to search for help. They had taken a wrong turn on got stranded in a blizzard on a road that rarely gets plowed.

Yesterday the body of James Kim was found in a creek about a half mile from the car. I can't imagine what that news must have felt like to his wife and children who are still recovering. I rarely watch the news on TV, but yesterday I happened to catch it. My eyes welled up with tears upon hearing the news that James Kim was found dead. My thoughts and prayers go out to his wife, their 2 daughters and their families. This holiday season will be difficult for them.

My F@#$%* Eyes

For the past year I have been seeing a retinal specialist. I was referred to him because 2 months after I had my daughter I was diagnosed with a macular hemorrhage caused by myopic macular degeneration. When I learned of my diagnosis I began to cry in his office. He does not have the most gentle bedside manner. I cried mostly because I was told I would have to stop breastfeeding for 2 weeks to a month after I received a drug injection in my eye. The drug is called Avastin and is not yet FDA approved for injection into the eye. Avastin is an anti-cancer drug that had shown great promise in clearing up macular hemorrhages. I was pretty devastated for about a week but got the injection (yes, the needle does go directly into the eyeball). I stopped breastfeeding for 3 weeks, the drug worked like a charm, and thank God I was able to resume breastfeeding with no problems!

Today at my eye appointment, he said I should consider Lasik surgery to correct my vision. I should say re-correct as I have had Lasik 2 other times. My vision before Lasik was -9 in one eye and -10 in the other. In other words.......BAD!!! Six months later, my eyes regressed slightly and I was able to get it done again at no charge. That was in November of 2000. My vision now is about 20/80 and I think I am going to go for round 3. This is frustrating. I hope the third time is a charm.

I am told that I have a 50/50 chance of having another macular hemorrhage. I am his youngest patient (31) - next in line is a man who is 54. That's nice. When I go in for appointments I get strange looks and the only magazines in his office are AARP and Senior Living - I'm not kidding. I am not afraid of all these procedures but I am afraid that one day I will go blind and not be able to see my daughter. Please pray for my eyes!

Yoga

I did it! I went to my first Ashtanga yoga class. Needless to say I am feeling pretty spent. It was very different from Bikram in that the room was not heated, there are no mirrors and the flow is constant. I turned out to be the only one wearing shorts which was NOT a good idea as the woman in front of me likely got to see more of me than she wanted! I'll know better next time. I really like the fact that they are not as militant as Bikram and because the room is not heated, you can do your practice at home once you have memorized the flow.

Now to the one thing I didn't like. Lots of chanting. Too much chanting in my opinion. I come to get an ass-kicking workout and have never been a fan of the chanting and the "om, shanti" stuff. They do not expect you to do this (which is great since if it were Bikram you would likely get kicked out) and I just sat there and pretended to meditate. I hear each teacher is different though and I happened to get the one who enjoys the 20 minutes of chanting and music playing at the end of class.

I was feeling pretty spent and queasy after class and to top it off I get to my car and find that someone has dented the side!! No note, no anything. How lovely. Was that my karma for not chanting?

Oh and my daughter has the flu :( I'm trying to look on the bright side and that is that she allows us to hold her close and rock her. At her age you gotta take what you can get.

ISFJ - That's me!!

This is my Meyers-Briggs personality description - husband says it fits me quite well:

The primary desire of the Protector Guardian is to be of service to others, but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life (the Provider's concern), as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security. There is a large proportion of Protectors in the population, perhaps as much as ten percent. And a good thing, because they are steadfast in their protecting, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can insure the safekeeping of those in their family, their circle of friends, or their place of business.

Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They go about their task of care taking modestly, unassumingly, and because of this their efforts are not sometimes fully appreciated. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Providers, except with close friends and relatives. With these they can chat tirelessly about the ups and downs in their lives, moving (like all the Guardians) from topic to topic as they talk over their everyday concerns. However, their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth these Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their quietness ought really to be seen as an expression, not of coldness, but of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. Like all the Guardians, Protectors have a highly developed puritan work ethic, which tells them that work is good, and that play must be earned-if indulged in at all. The least hedonic of all types, Protectors are willing to work long, long hours doing all the thankless jobs the other types seem content to ignore. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for Protectors. When they undertake a task, they will complete it if at all humanly possible; and they know the value of material resources and abhor the squandering or misuse of these resources. Protectors are quite content to work alone; indeed, they may experience some discomfort when placed in positions of authority, and may try to do everything themselves rather than insist that others do their jobs.

With their extraordinary commitment to security, and with their unusual talent for executing routines, Protectors do well in many careers that have to do with conservation: curators, private secretaries, librarians, middle-managers, police officers, and especially general medical practitioners. To be sure, the hospital is a natural haven for them; it is home to the family doctor, preserver of life and limb, and to the registered nurse, or licensed practical nurse, truly the angels of mercy. The insurance industry is also a good fit for Protectors. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are important actions to Protectors, who as insurance agents want to see their clients in good hands, sheltered and protected.

President George HW Bush and Mother Teresa are examples of Protector Guardian style.